Picture this:
You meet this person who seems to meet your every need and the relationship flourishes for a while - but suddenly and out of nowhere, he or she needs some time to think and figure things out; or, has so many doubts about him or herself, you, or the relationship; or, he or she just stops calling and rarely returns your calls. You are left stunned and confused over his or her sudden change in behavior: What happened? What did I do?
What happened, is that you developed an attachment based on need to that person, and got it confused with love.
So many men and women often use the word “love", when they really mean "need". I have many clients who come to me with a broken heart - "I really love him/her" - but when we analyze what he or she really means, the person realizes that what they really meant was, "I really need him/her."
What’s the difference?
Have you ever had a crush on / “fallen in love" with a woman who seems so gorgeous and wonderful - and one month or year later, looked at that person again and saw only 'butt ugly' and “she has serious emotional problems"? - or have you ever had a great sexual relationship with a man that you are not compatible with, and - although it is so obvious that your relationship is just a ‘booty call" in which you feel used - you are still willing to put yourself out there to be used, misused, abused, and reused again and again?
That is attraction based on need, and not love. When you are driven by an unfulfilled psychological need for validation; an obsession about the romantic stuff; or, are pushy about getting into a relationship - you’ll typically develop an affinity to a member of the opposite sex who seemingly meets whatever need it is. Your emotional state [fear; anxiety; low self-esteem; desperate; drunk; superficial; unrealistic; broke, or struggling financially; angry; lonely; etc.] at the time you meet, makes the person appear more attractive and desirable than he or she actually is. In a way, that person temporally alleviates those “feelings" by providing temporary comfort - making you feel good about yourself.
The same applies to when someone is attracted to you because they think or have convinced themselves that you will make them feel good.
How can we determine whether what we feel is love, or attachment based on need?
1. Love based on need is often based on unrealistic expectations of perfection: "We had very much in common. In fact, he/she is perfect!' The irony is that our object of unrealistic expectations is often also looking for the perfect man or woman. Go figure!
2. Love based on need is often based on opinions like good looks, status, material possessions, race [including “loving" someone just because he or she is of a different race], etc., which may be quite irrelevant, or even become obstacles for being able to live happily together.
3. In love based on need, your feelings are a “little" exaggerated in that you are caught up in uncontrolled and overwhelming emotions which run from one extreme to another – from feeling deeply in love and being loved to feeling uncertain and even depressed.
4. When you need rather than love someone, you feel fear, anxiety, worry or jealousy especially when separated from him or her. This kind of “love’ often leads to possessiveness and possessiveness leads to FEAR of losing, fake affection out of fear, over-protection, craving or even the feeling: I can't live without her/him.
5. There is a sense of "owing to" in the relationship. In love based on need, how much each person “loves" is measured by and dependent on how much the other person fulfills a need or indulges a desire. We often close our eyes to the negative qualities.
6. Being in “love" based on need feels very exciting but it is also mixed with a fair amount of “pain" and the feeling that you are somehow “suffering" or not being appreciated and valued - enough.
It can be a sobering experience when one deeply reflects on what we normally describe as “love".
Try this experiment:
Ask the man or woman you are dating: “What kind of person are you looking for/interested in?". If that person is driven by need, than he or she will say something along the lines of: “I want a man/woman who looks like… makes me feel… who does this or that for me…". Notice how many times the word 'me' is used. He or she will run you a list of their 'needs' [often very unaware], and will look specifically for the kind of person who they believe will fulfill those 'needs' [read between the lines - you’ll not miss it!]. Better yet - go online and pull up a profile of a potential mate, and you'll see what I mean by 'looking for a person to fill a need'.
A person driven by real love, on the other hand, may think something along the lines of: “I am interested in a man/woman with these qualities… I can do this and that for… I can do this or that with… ". These people send the message that they feel that they have something about themselves that is valuable, and want to share it with a deserving person.
So if you have a crush on someone or have been dating him or her, the potential for something very special could be there… but you must be willing to take the risk of finding out what the person thinks, wants and needs - in another person, and in the relationship [what makes him or her tick]. Doing that may be risking rejection, but knowing is much better than just guessing or creating bonds that may turn very unpleasant!
Akiteng, Yangki Christine [June 5, 2007]. "How Do You Know If He or She Loves You Or Just Needs You?" Retrieved from here.
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