Critical Thinking: A poem from Week One's lecture.

What you aren't knowledgeable about,

what you aren't aware of,

what you don't believe in or value,

is just as impactful on your life

and on your environment,

as what you are knowledgeable about,

what you are aware of,

and what you do believe in.

(Balistrieri, 2000).

Critical Thinking: Leading Your Life.

These past six weeks have passed very quickly, haven't they?

Your remaining classes will also go very quickly, and graduation will be here before you know it. As A DeVry student, you have an amazing Career Services department supporting you. Be sure to check out the Career Services website to find out everything that is available to you. You can also watch this video to learn more about the services.

For now, let's take one last opportunity to think about where we have been and where we are going. To start our final discussion, think big. Share with the class where you are now in terms of your education, your personal life, and your career. Where do you see yourself in these same areas five years from now? Ten years? At the end of your life, what do you hope to have accomplished?

PRESENT:


Education:

Well, I'm here. That's saying a lot, considering that this year has been very difficult for me, to put it mildly. Earlier this year, I honestly did not see how I would make it through school for the rest of the year, and I would get sick to my stomach at the thought - but now, it's August, and I may be hanging in there by a thread, but I'm hanging in there. I can't exactly say that this is where I want to be, but considering my circumstances -- I'm grateful to still be here.


Personal Life:

Hah, well -- in January of this year, I was disowned by my family for leaving their religion, and I have not seen my immediate family -- with exception of my older sister -- for going on nine months now. For the first couple of months, my father was threatened with divorce if he ever so much as deliberately saw me; my mother and my identical twin sister would harass me with one of my aunts and cousins; my mother threatened to kill herself with pills over the stress my 'leaving the true religion' caused her; I was threatened to be thrown out into the street by my grandmother, who's couch I currently live on, also because I was no longer of her religion; last, but not least - in the religion I grew up with, you're forbidden to make any friends on the outside ['in the world' is the term used], so when I was disowned, I was left with no social support whatsoever. If it were not for my older sister, I know that I would not have managed to stay in school. As I mentioned earlier, I currently live with my elderly, very disabled, and extremely anxious grandmother (I'm also pretty sure she's becoming senile; I want her to go to the doctor about this) who is currently in the process of filing for bankruptcy -- with no car and, for the first seven months, I had no computer, as well. Rain or horrid heat, I would walk several blocks both ways, every single day, to use the computer at the library. I've been unemployed for over a year now -- most jobs seem to be in L.A. or Irvine, it seems. As I stated in the Education segment -- I can't exactly say that this is where I want to be, but -- surely, however slowly -- it's all getting somewhere, and I have a goal that I am heading towards with the velocity of a runaway freight train. I'm not staying in this place [both literally and figuratively].


Career:

As I've stated in the previous segment, I have been unemployed since last April -- I worked at Starbucks for going on four years. I've been walking through the streets of Whittier and taking buses to surrounding areas, banging down doors practically for work, but it's extremely difficult right now. Keep your fingers crossed for me, and if you hear of anything in the Uptown Whittier area especially, do let me know!! Now, to end this segment -- no, this is not where I want to be at all right now, but that will change.


FIVE YEARS FROM NOW:

I see myself married to the man I'm in love with, and living in New England. I plan to be finishing school right about then [with a Master's]. I see myself living a simple life, and happy that way. I try not to plan too far ahead into the future, but this is the general idea of what I want in my life.


TEN YEARS FROM NOW:

I see myself happily working off my degree -- I don't see myself making "mega-bucks", but I see myself being in an okay place, and that is just perfect for me. I see myself as still married, and still living a simple life -- after the complicated, overly-dramatic, anxiety-ridden, downright depressing, awkward, and difficult transition that I've had trying to fit in somewhere as an adult -- the way I see it: the simpler, the better. Assuming that everything was just smooth-sailing at this point, than I can see myself possibly wanting a child at this time. That's still unclear to me, though. I don't like to plan this far ahead. We'll wait and see what actually happens.


AT THE END OF MY LIFE:

I hope to have made all of my hard work worth it -- that all of my blood, sweat, tears, labor, stress, heartache, pain, sacrifices: it was all worth it, and by "worth it", I mean that in spite of it all -- in spite of all of the ugliness and complications of life -- I managed to create and to become a part of something very beautiful; that, not only was I happy, but I inspired others to do the necessary labors in order to create their own path, and to do it all with the goal in mind of making life wonderful -- not just for yourself, but for those that you love; and once you have that love in your life, to protect it -- down to your tooth and nail -- and, as far as it depends on you, to not ever let it go. Don't ever take it for granted. Don't ever push it away. Don't let petty differences and misunderstandings take that away from you. Life only gives you so many second chances, so use your opportunities as wisely as you can.

And don't just build a wonderful life -- maintain a wonderful life.

A career is a very critical part of my life, of course, that goes without saying -- but it's not my end-all, be-all. However much I may enjoy graphic design, it is simply a necessary means to an end. Through my work [career work], I want to send a message that's even bigger than just making money.

Critical Thinking: Leadership/Role Model Paper.

[ITT Technical Institute, Class of 2007
Top row, left to right: Jamie Steele [me]; James Steele; Sal Corona.
Bottom, l-r: Cheryle Steele; Amber Corona; Jessica Steele.]

My older sister of three and a half years, Amber Corona [formerly Amber Steele] has very much inspired me to try my best, even when circumstances are very difficult -- or, rather, especially when circumstances are very difficult.

As is written in the 30-first person accounts by teenagers who have overcome major life obstacles in the book, True Stories by Teens about Overcoming Tough Times [Al Desetta & Sybil Wolin. 2000], my older sister has shown me the importance of these seven resiliencies: insight, independence, relationships, initiative, creativity, humor, and morality. Though some times in her life were heart-wrenching, she has a strong will, and has proven herself capable of turning it all around to a positive note -- against great odds.

Through her own personal struggles, and through the lessons she's verbally passed down -- she's taught me the art of evolving a self-generated definition of self; embracing self-worth; awareness of oppression, and the beauty of self-reliance. With my older sister in my life, I know that I am connected to support, let alone hope by her example that I can do it, too.

An excerpt from an article I recently read reminded me of something else that my sister taught me:

"Alcoholism runs in families, but there are some children of alcoholics who do not repeat their parents' drinking problems; parenting disabled children is stressful, but there are some who are able to hold on to their joy in life despite anxieties and pain. Such an ability to stand strong and invincible in the face of adversity is what is termed “resilience” in The Struggle to Be Strong and its companion A Leader's Guide to The Struggle to Be Strong." [Wolin, S., Desetta, A., & Hefner, K. (2000)].

My older sister instilled in me the heart of this same lesson - to not be stuck in the rut of blaming your parents for your life; blaming the world for your life; blaming *life* for your life - your life is what you make of it. You are your own problem, but you are also your own solution -- and whatever mistakes your parents made, they are not hereditary. Whatever mistakes you made -- you can learn from them, and change your path. Your future is not written in stone. It is what you make it.

She's far more than a professional role model to me -- she's a role model for dealing with my life.

* * * * * *

References:

• Singh, A. A., Hays, D. G., & Watson, L. S. (2011). Strength in the Face of Adversity: Resilience Strategies of Transgender Individuals. Journal of Counseling & Development, 89(1), 20-27. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

• Struggle to Be Strong (Book Review). (2000). Book Report, 19(3), 70. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

• Chance, P. (2000). The Struggle to Be Strong (Book Review). Psychology Today, 33(6), 75. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

Critical Thinking: Nonverbal Communication.

Nonverbal communication accounts for up to 93% of the emotional content of a message: Remember that body language must always be interpreted within the context of the conversation, the natural habits of the speaker, and the culture of the speaker. European Americans may consider lack of eye contact to be a sign of someone telling lies, whereas some Native-American cultures may see that as a sign of respect.

The way that we breathe is a powerful communication cue. If we are breathing in a shallow manner, then we are apt to be feeling nervous. If someone is taking long, slow deep breaths, then we can assume a certain level of calmness and centeredness. You can change the way that you feel by changing your breathing pattern. Practice taking long, slow relaxing breaths throughout the day. Take at least three slow breaths each time and notice how you might feel different.

Pay attention to the messages that you send others with the nonverbal communicators mentioned in your text. Remember that electronic communication, such as e-mail and text messaging, do not allow us to effectively communicate the emotional content of our words.

Critical Thinking: Barriers To Communication.

The main barrier to effective communication, according to Marshall Rosenberg, communication and conflict resolution expert, is that we are afraid that we are not going to get our basic needs met (1999). The following is my understanding of his work:

There are six main barriers to communication that cause conflict:

• Denial of accountability for ourselves;
• Judging and evaluating others;
• Honestly expressing our judgments instead of our own needs;
• Not expressing our feelings and needs;
• Not empathizing with ourselves and others; and
• Demanding that others do things for us.

Denial of accountability for ourselves: We deny responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions when we say things such as, "You make me angry" or "I have to do this." As soon as we deny responsibility, we take away our own power. If I think I "have to take attendance because it is the policy at DeVry," then I am not owning my own power to make choices about what I will do. I take attendance because I want to stay employed here and I have agreed to fulfill that part of my job description.

We have little control over what the world serves up to us, but we do have control over how we respond to those events. If I make you the cause of my feelings, then I am stating that I have no control over my own emotional state. However, we all know that each of us has different emotional responses, given similar situations. Some people are "fit to be tied" after waiting 10 minutes for their ride to pick them up, while other people stay relaxed even after waiting 20–30 minutes. It may depend on whether you make the judgment that your ride "doesn't respect your time" or whether you make the judgment that "it is so great for this person to take time out of their busy day to give me a ride." We make the first and major step towards communicating effectively when we accept responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and fulfilling our needs and desires.

Rosenberg has spent his whole life exploring means for increasing our communication effectiveness. He developed a model to find a way around the communication barriers listed above. Rosenberg states that these steps are not the "right" or "proper" steps that you "should" follow when communicating. They are, however, steps that are more likely to enable you to get your needs met, thus reducing conflict and increasing a sense of connection with others. Here are the four steps of his communication model:

• Make an observation (without evaluation);
• State your feelings;
• Connect your feelings to unmet needs; and
• Make a request of what would make life more wonderful.


Step 1 – Observation:

When we combine our observation with our evaluation, we are attempting to make our personal bias (evaluation, analysis, judgment) as "factual" as what it is that we objectively observed. An observation is that "you arrived home 30 minutes after you said that you would be here." An evaluation of this scenario might be that "you don't care about my feelings." A mixture of the two could be something like, "You're always home late because you don't even care about me!" If you mix an evaluation into your observation, then people are likely to only hear criticism and they are less likely to hear the rest of your message about what you need.


Step 2 – Expressing our feelings:

It is important to be able to express what you are feeling in order to be genuine. Oftentimes, we see expression of feelings as a choice to be vulnerable. It is one of the great qualities of being human, because it allows us to connect with others. Consequently, from lack of practice, many of us don't know how to express our feelings. We often say something similar to "I feel like you should . . ." (or "I feel that you . . .") This is not a feeling. It is a thought. Feelings are simply expressed as, "I am feeling overwhelmed" or "I am feeling so amazed!"

Usually, when we are feeling angry, it is because of the moral judgments that we are making. We are trying to play God by seeing the other person as wrong and in need of punishment. It is more helpful to focus on our needs than to disempower ourselves by focusing on the actions of others. The feelings of anger are not bad or wrong, but they are more superficial expressions of what we are really feeling and needing.

Expressing honesty of judgments instead of honesty of our needs and feelings often leads to more conflict. Failure to express feelings can lead to more misunderstandings, as people must create their own stories about how they feel.


Step 3 – Connecting our feelings with needs:

It is of utmost importance that we connect our feelings to our needs. We feel unhappy because we have an unmet need, not because of what someone else did. They did not do anything wrong. They were doing the best that they could to get their needs met, given what options they saw at the time. It is our responsibility to meet our needs. Our feelings about our unmet needs are our responsibility, and it is within our power to get them met.

When you are thinking about your needs, it is important to remember that needs are universal and that they don't contain reference to specific things or specific people. I don't "need you to go to the store to get potato chips for me," rather "I need food." Our strategy to get our needs met is best left for our request (Step 4) of asking someone to do something. Women, more than men, have been taught not to have needs. Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which clarifies basic human needs, may be especially helpful to women who are apt to express needs like a legal case because they have internalized the belief that they have no right to their needs. If we don't connect our feeling to our need, but instead connect it to what someone else has done, we will come across as criticizing and will have given the power of our feelings to others.


Step 4 – Requesting that which would make our lives more wonderful:

When people request us to do something, we usually do it with more joy in our hearts than when people make demands on us to do something. It is easy to tell a request from a demand by the response: if the request/demand is denied and the person responds badly (verbal attack, pouting, criticism), then it was a demand.

The request is a strategy for meeting our needs. If the person denies our particular request, perhaps he or she will have some other ideas on strategies that might be helpful in getting our needs met. If we have grown up in a dysfunctional family, we will often have limited strategies for getting our needs met. If we can clearly express our need, oftentimes, others will have ideas on how we can get the need met.

The purpose of a request or fulfilling a request is to make someone's life more wonderful. Marshall Rosenberg says that if you can't fulfill the request with "the joy of a child feeding the ducks in the park," then don't do it. Always ask yourself whether you are giving freely, giving in, or giving up. If you or the other person is not giving freely, someone is going to pay.

Another important aspect to sound communication is to make sure that we clearly heard what others said. An effective tool for this is reflective listening: Most people will not speak to us by stating their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It will be our job to hear the feelings and needs behind the words that the person is saying. We can try asking them about their feelings, or if we think that would not be helpful, ask them what they need. If we empathize with the person and put ourselves in his or her shoes, it should be quite easy to know what the person might need.

It is often difficult for us to listen fully to someone else. We often think that we have to solve the problem or ease their pain. Often, all we have to do is really listen and validate what the person said without inserting our opinion or evaluation. Observe what has been said and mirror it back (without parroting it).

Values play a major role in communication. Values are the ideas, actions, and behaviors that are of worth and importance to us as human beings. They provide the foundation for human behavior. Most of what we value has been taught to us by others, such as our families and our peers. Some things that we value are self-respect, fame, friendship, wisdom, and financial security. Since we act on what we believe, it is easy to see how our values and our judgment of what the truth is can impact our logic and decision making.

It's important to prioritize your values. Think about why your values are important to you, who taught them to you, how they have affected your past decisions, and in what ways they will impact your future decisions.

Since the world is so incredibly diverse and communication comes in such a wide variety of forms, it is important to know many appropriate and helpful interpersonal skills. By practicing the few suggestions found here, you will find yourself understanding more of what people say and repeating yourself less to other people. Your co-workers and friends will have the confidence to come to you when they find themselves in need. Remember, great communication skills take practice. Do not give up on Day One. Your ability to express yourself will grow almost daily as long as you apply yourself in improving communication skills.