Critical Thinking: Nonverbal Communication.

Nonverbal communication accounts for up to 93% of the emotional content of a message: Remember that body language must always be interpreted within the context of the conversation, the natural habits of the speaker, and the culture of the speaker. European Americans may consider lack of eye contact to be a sign of someone telling lies, whereas some Native-American cultures may see that as a sign of respect.

The way that we breathe is a powerful communication cue. If we are breathing in a shallow manner, then we are apt to be feeling nervous. If someone is taking long, slow deep breaths, then we can assume a certain level of calmness and centeredness. You can change the way that you feel by changing your breathing pattern. Practice taking long, slow relaxing breaths throughout the day. Take at least three slow breaths each time and notice how you might feel different.

Pay attention to the messages that you send others with the nonverbal communicators mentioned in your text. Remember that electronic communication, such as e-mail and text messaging, do not allow us to effectively communicate the emotional content of our words.

Critical Thinking: Barriers To Communication.

The main barrier to effective communication, according to Marshall Rosenberg, communication and conflict resolution expert, is that we are afraid that we are not going to get our basic needs met (1999). The following is my understanding of his work:

There are six main barriers to communication that cause conflict:

• Denial of accountability for ourselves;
• Judging and evaluating others;
• Honestly expressing our judgments instead of our own needs;
• Not expressing our feelings and needs;
• Not empathizing with ourselves and others; and
• Demanding that others do things for us.

Denial of accountability for ourselves: We deny responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions when we say things such as, "You make me angry" or "I have to do this." As soon as we deny responsibility, we take away our own power. If I think I "have to take attendance because it is the policy at DeVry," then I am not owning my own power to make choices about what I will do. I take attendance because I want to stay employed here and I have agreed to fulfill that part of my job description.

We have little control over what the world serves up to us, but we do have control over how we respond to those events. If I make you the cause of my feelings, then I am stating that I have no control over my own emotional state. However, we all know that each of us has different emotional responses, given similar situations. Some people are "fit to be tied" after waiting 10 minutes for their ride to pick them up, while other people stay relaxed even after waiting 20–30 minutes. It may depend on whether you make the judgment that your ride "doesn't respect your time" or whether you make the judgment that "it is so great for this person to take time out of their busy day to give me a ride." We make the first and major step towards communicating effectively when we accept responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and fulfilling our needs and desires.

Rosenberg has spent his whole life exploring means for increasing our communication effectiveness. He developed a model to find a way around the communication barriers listed above. Rosenberg states that these steps are not the "right" or "proper" steps that you "should" follow when communicating. They are, however, steps that are more likely to enable you to get your needs met, thus reducing conflict and increasing a sense of connection with others. Here are the four steps of his communication model:

• Make an observation (without evaluation);
• State your feelings;
• Connect your feelings to unmet needs; and
• Make a request of what would make life more wonderful.


Step 1 – Observation:

When we combine our observation with our evaluation, we are attempting to make our personal bias (evaluation, analysis, judgment) as "factual" as what it is that we objectively observed. An observation is that "you arrived home 30 minutes after you said that you would be here." An evaluation of this scenario might be that "you don't care about my feelings." A mixture of the two could be something like, "You're always home late because you don't even care about me!" If you mix an evaluation into your observation, then people are likely to only hear criticism and they are less likely to hear the rest of your message about what you need.


Step 2 – Expressing our feelings:

It is important to be able to express what you are feeling in order to be genuine. Oftentimes, we see expression of feelings as a choice to be vulnerable. It is one of the great qualities of being human, because it allows us to connect with others. Consequently, from lack of practice, many of us don't know how to express our feelings. We often say something similar to "I feel like you should . . ." (or "I feel that you . . .") This is not a feeling. It is a thought. Feelings are simply expressed as, "I am feeling overwhelmed" or "I am feeling so amazed!"

Usually, when we are feeling angry, it is because of the moral judgments that we are making. We are trying to play God by seeing the other person as wrong and in need of punishment. It is more helpful to focus on our needs than to disempower ourselves by focusing on the actions of others. The feelings of anger are not bad or wrong, but they are more superficial expressions of what we are really feeling and needing.

Expressing honesty of judgments instead of honesty of our needs and feelings often leads to more conflict. Failure to express feelings can lead to more misunderstandings, as people must create their own stories about how they feel.


Step 3 – Connecting our feelings with needs:

It is of utmost importance that we connect our feelings to our needs. We feel unhappy because we have an unmet need, not because of what someone else did. They did not do anything wrong. They were doing the best that they could to get their needs met, given what options they saw at the time. It is our responsibility to meet our needs. Our feelings about our unmet needs are our responsibility, and it is within our power to get them met.

When you are thinking about your needs, it is important to remember that needs are universal and that they don't contain reference to specific things or specific people. I don't "need you to go to the store to get potato chips for me," rather "I need food." Our strategy to get our needs met is best left for our request (Step 4) of asking someone to do something. Women, more than men, have been taught not to have needs. Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which clarifies basic human needs, may be especially helpful to women who are apt to express needs like a legal case because they have internalized the belief that they have no right to their needs. If we don't connect our feeling to our need, but instead connect it to what someone else has done, we will come across as criticizing and will have given the power of our feelings to others.


Step 4 – Requesting that which would make our lives more wonderful:

When people request us to do something, we usually do it with more joy in our hearts than when people make demands on us to do something. It is easy to tell a request from a demand by the response: if the request/demand is denied and the person responds badly (verbal attack, pouting, criticism), then it was a demand.

The request is a strategy for meeting our needs. If the person denies our particular request, perhaps he or she will have some other ideas on strategies that might be helpful in getting our needs met. If we have grown up in a dysfunctional family, we will often have limited strategies for getting our needs met. If we can clearly express our need, oftentimes, others will have ideas on how we can get the need met.

The purpose of a request or fulfilling a request is to make someone's life more wonderful. Marshall Rosenberg says that if you can't fulfill the request with "the joy of a child feeding the ducks in the park," then don't do it. Always ask yourself whether you are giving freely, giving in, or giving up. If you or the other person is not giving freely, someone is going to pay.

Another important aspect to sound communication is to make sure that we clearly heard what others said. An effective tool for this is reflective listening: Most people will not speak to us by stating their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It will be our job to hear the feelings and needs behind the words that the person is saying. We can try asking them about their feelings, or if we think that would not be helpful, ask them what they need. If we empathize with the person and put ourselves in his or her shoes, it should be quite easy to know what the person might need.

It is often difficult for us to listen fully to someone else. We often think that we have to solve the problem or ease their pain. Often, all we have to do is really listen and validate what the person said without inserting our opinion or evaluation. Observe what has been said and mirror it back (without parroting it).

Values play a major role in communication. Values are the ideas, actions, and behaviors that are of worth and importance to us as human beings. They provide the foundation for human behavior. Most of what we value has been taught to us by others, such as our families and our peers. Some things that we value are self-respect, fame, friendship, wisdom, and financial security. Since we act on what we believe, it is easy to see how our values and our judgment of what the truth is can impact our logic and decision making.

It's important to prioritize your values. Think about why your values are important to you, who taught them to you, how they have affected your past decisions, and in what ways they will impact your future decisions.

Since the world is so incredibly diverse and communication comes in such a wide variety of forms, it is important to know many appropriate and helpful interpersonal skills. By practicing the few suggestions found here, you will find yourself understanding more of what people say and repeating yourself less to other people. Your co-workers and friends will have the confidence to come to you when they find themselves in need. Remember, great communication skills take practice. Do not give up on Day One. Your ability to express yourself will grow almost daily as long as you apply yourself in improving communication skills.

Psychology Essay: Decision Making In Groups.

What in the material on "Groups" did you find useful? How will you apply it in your life?

The material brought out how effective brainstorming can be when making decisions within a group setting, in which a large number of ideas or alternatives can be given in a short time period. For this to be carried out effectively, the material broke down brainstorming into two stages:

• Idea Generation: No ideas are rejected in the initial round, and ideas flow freely as a result.

• Assessment: Each alternative is assessed by the group for feasibility.

I also liked the nominal group technique, which is very similar to brainstorming, except it uses an anonymous approach to reduce conflict between individuals, like so:

After a problem is presented to a group, each member offers ideas for solutions in writing, and the ideas are presented anonymously to the group and discussed. This technique is very effective for groups that, while needing to make decisions together, have not necessarily bonded and achieved a cooperative spirit. It permits issues that are pertinent to the group as a whole to be examined separately from the involved personalities.

I can see myself making practical use of both of these, whether it's with a professional committee, or my family - but I especially admired the nominal group technique. As we all know, just because conflicts arises, life doesn't stop; things still need to be done, and decisions still need to be made. The nominal technique helps you to focus on these decisions, and not the people involved, when doing so is a challenge.

I was introduced to brainstorming back when I was in primary school, so I grew up knowing how effective that technique is, but the nominal technique is new to me. Communication was not a very strong positive point in my household growing up, so anything that promotes positive communication - especially when conflict arises - is of great value to me.

Psychology Essay: Communication.

What skills will you take from the material on communication to improve your own life? What do you see yourself doing well already? Explain. (Give at least three areas between the two questions.)

I really liked how the textbook broke down derails in communication when different opinions, high stakes and strong emotions take control:

• Masking is hiding one’s true feelings through sarcasm or forced pleasantness.

• Avoiding is talking about unrelated issues to avoid sensitive subjects.

• Withdrawing actions include ending a conversation or leaving a room.

• Controlling involves tactics that include changing the subject, cutting others off, or speaking in absolutes.

• Labeling involves stereotyping and name-calling.

• Attacking involves making threats or using belittling remarks.

People need to feel safe when they are communicating; good communication skills enable people to discuss controversial topics without creating anger or defensiveness. Personally, for me, this has been a massive roadblock in communication between myself and my parents; it's difficult to be open with someone when they only want to hear what they want to hear. In a personal relationship, this is bad, since - needless to say, when a person does not feel safe opening up, then they will stop being honest, and close up.

If you want to maintain good relationships in your personal life, it's crucial that you learn how to communicate about issues you deem controversial in a mature manner. Learn to control your emotions and watch for signs of unsafe communication [masking, avoiding, withdrawing, controlling, labeling and attacking]. Learn to be aware of your own and other people’s emotional states and behaviors. The most effective communication makes all parties understand that they and the others have various needs that the communication is attempting to meet, so establish mutual purpose between communicating parties. Demonstrate concern for others [this creates motivation to work for a common purpose], and since trust is the basis of any good relationship, keep in mind that trust is established through effective listening, building rapport, managing cultural differences, and empathy.

As far as communication goes in my personal life, in the past few years, communication [particularly with my twin sister] has been very positive; safe to say, we can talk about pretty much anything, at anytime. There are definitely days when our fuses are short, like anyone else; we feel tired, we feel stressed, or we don't feel good some days - but things are easily mended between us. This is because neither of us feels 'above apologizing' when doing so is necessary, we both know how to calmly express ourselves, and we both also show respect to each other by really listening to what the other has to say. We also praise each other often every single day. While we have always been close, our communication with each other hasn't always been like that, as we grew up in a household where our parents were constantly fighting and shouting. We weren't exactly taught to display patience and understanding; we had to teach ourselves as we got older. Growing up, I would often think nice things of people, but I never really voiced these thoughts out loud. I really didn't develop that trait of giving praise and compliments often in conversation until I was about nineteen years old. I actually picked up that habit from a very good friend of mine, and then I began to adapt this habit into my conversations with both of my sisters. As a result - especially with my twin sister - our relationships with each other have improved so much.

It's really amazing to me just how powerful communication really is; it almost seems silly, but just something as seemingly small as the way we phrase things, really can make a difference as to the quality of our lives. My relationship with my parents is still not exactly where I would like it to be - as much as I love my parents, my father is the avoiding and withdrawing type, and my mother is the controlling and attacking type. In all honesty, I'm a defensive person more than an offensive person [my family knows all too well how defensive I can get]; fighting is not my idea of a good time, though, so I try to avoid it as much as I can. However, I try my best to be honest and open, even when I know it won't be respected - this sometimes brings on a lot of drama in and of itself, but I believe that in the long run, it will prove to be the better course than a hypocritical one. When this happens, and when for whatever reason, I feel vulnerable as a result, my default reaction is either the masking or [counter]attacking type of reaction. But, I think that it has improved somewhat. It's difficult, but the dramatic fights aren't - at least- as often as they used to be.

I think that successful communication depends on everyone involved, but even one person trying hard does make a difference; it might not seem like it at first, but it really does.

From the school's discussion forum:

Day One:

I believe that it is very important for us to not just be good, but strong communicators. To what/whom do you owe your communication skills?

In my home, unfortunately, there has always been poor communication; lashing out and making assumptions is very common. What really trained it was actually working in retail; watching how my managers and co-workers spoke with one another and with customers really helped me to hone these skills - which, by the way, is a lot more than simply saying words that other people understand. Body language, eye contact, and voice inflection can say just as much as your words - if we're not careful, we can be sending messages through body language that we don't even realize we are sending.

What degree of importance do you attach to being a good communicator? What do you see makes for "good communication skills?"

Knowing how to communicate effectively is a massive determining factor in whether we will have positive, or whether we will have damaged, relationships with others - in our personal lives, and in our professional lives - so it is very important that we know what communication actually is, and how to communicate effectively.

Some key points in communicating effectively are:

• Think before you speak.
• Be confident when you speak.
• Be clear.
• Try your best to be relaxed [don't rush!] and open.
• Approach people in a non-threatening manner.
• Use proper grammar.
• Be aware of body language.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Listen. This is the other half of communication. Avoid the urge to blurt out what you're thinking while the other person is speaking.
• Last but not least, do not drone on. Get to the point. Be brief, and be gone.

Day Two:

Professor: Class, good feedback about communication skills. I would like to tie together both discussions and bring in again technology. It was mentioned earlier that technology maybe hindering our ability as a society to communicate well face to face with others. Do you agree or disagree and share your reasoning.

Me: I completely agree; it's a little ironic that in this day and age, technology allows us to communicate with others in ways that seemed impossible for ages - yet, there is also a massive breakdown in communication within families. The tendency seems to be to text rather than call; to watch tv rather than discuss with your family how their day has been; to play on the computer, or video games, rather than go outside; etc.

I think that what this really boils down to, is knowing how to keep technology in it's place. Yes, it really is helpful; it's nice to have a cell phone, and know that you can immediately call for help if you are lost or in an accident; it's nice to be able to communicate with colleagues or friends across the country in an instant; technology is wonderful! But how is our communication face-to-face? Are we still good at knowing how to express ourselves in person? In controlling our voice and body language? Are we good with listening to others? Are you allowing technology to create a breakdown of communication in face-to-face human contact?