You have been raised to believe that thinking of yourself is selfish.
So often in life, we end up living our lives based on what others want, because we haven't got the confidence and self-belief to say 'No'. Maybe our parents expect us to live a certain life ... and so we continue to live a life based on keeping them happy.
Now, of course, if you have responsibilities, it is important to honour them. This is not about abandoning areas of your life that you have committed yourself to. What this is about, is standing up for yourself; putting yourself first; considering your own needs and being brave. It's a common phenomenon that people like to put you in a box, give you a role - and if you don't perform as they expect, they react - maybe they get moody, maybe they get angry; but you can bet they'll make you feel bad for daring to upset their reality.
What you must remember is: if you do have people in your life who make you feel like you have a role to perform, and they make you feel guilty if you don’t, then who’s needs are they considering? Their own! - and if you are considering their needs, and they are considering their needs, then who’s looking after you?
Thinking of yourself is not selfish; thinking only of yourself, to the detriment of others, is selfish. Remember, we are talking about adults here; people who can take care of themselves. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have a responsibility to make them happy. That is their responsibility.
Making your happiness as a priority is not being selfish.
Excerpt from this article:
In the shame/blame-based culture we live in, we are made to feel that we are responsible for everyone and everything’s welfare: it puts the focus on you! It teaches you that you should feel guilty over other people’s failures; that it is your fault and to see yourself as the failure, or the problem, because you didn’t fix it or prevent it: you are supposed to take all of the blame.
If you don’t accept it and instead ask others to take ownership and responsibility for their actions and choices - and stand up for yourself - you are told that you are wrong, selfish, aggressive and mean. It is not selfish, mean, insensitive, or inconsiderate: you are just taking ownership and responsibility for you. There is nothing in that sick, dysfunctional environment to justify other people’s failures being all thrown on you - they need to take ownership or responsibility for own their lives.
People who truly love you will not further negative self-images you have of yourself.
Those people invalidate any claim of loving or caring about you when they back you into that corner and make you out to be the selfish, or the mean one, and try to get you to “back down” - when all you are doing, is simply holding out for your own self, and asking them to have some personal accountability, as well. Being assertive means being able to express and stand-up for your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs - directly, openly and honestly - without violating the personal rights of others at the same time. It means standing up for yourself. You have a right to your own mind and to your own opinion. No one, not even your closest relative, has the right to demand thinking for you.
Assertive behavior is often confused with aggression. The difference is that aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others; other people’s feelings and rights are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration. An assertive person does consider others - and asks for and stands-up for - the same thing in return.
NOTE TO SELF.
I very much agree with these excerpts. However, I must admit that having read it a few years back, I would have understood it in an entirely different way. Allow me to explain: throughout my cognitive life I have had my parents demand that I accept certain core life values that they teach me as a given and live according to the 'roles' that they assigned to me. I used to see that behaviour on their part as selfish and forceful because I was too young to realize that their demands were based on an attempt to save me the painful experiences that had taught them the life lessons that they were trying to pass to me. Having accumulated enough of my own experience to understand this now, I see how they were right in many of their demands; however these articles made me think back to when my mindset was different and consider how it could be misinterpreted by many people.
ReplyDeleteAlso, on the topic, I do agree with the idea that is being conveyed here. A quote popped to my mind as I was reading this: "One person's freedom ends at the point where another person's begins." Accordingly, one definitely may and should be selfish, but only as long as his selfishness does not impose on others' freedom.
One point that is not addressed enough in the segments above, however, is that even though there is no vice in caring for oneself, it does not mean that there is no vice in caring for others. It comes down to simple math, really. Imagine if every single person in the world only looked out for themselves. Then for every one person in the world, there would be only one who would look out for them, and numerous others who wouldnt. In an alternative situation, if every person in the world looked out for everyone BUT themselves, then for every given person there would be only one who does not look for their interest and numerous who would..
I'm not sure if my thoughts are as clear in words as they are in my head, but i hope this little rant made sense.. :)
No no no, you very much made sense; I understand what it is that you're saying, more than you might think -- and as a matter of fact, I highly agree. It's like I'm always saying: It all comes down to *balance*.
ReplyDeleteMy problem with all of this growing up -- especially since being a teenager -- is that I had it drilled into my brain that ever thinking of myself was selfish; I shouldn't ever trust myself, 'the heart is treacherous and desperate', 'it does not belong to man who is walking even to direct his step', etc. This constant drilling by the beliefs I grew up with, and by other people -- people that I cared and loved more than myself, namely -- on top of having depression, meant that I would be condemning myself with every one else if I ever did try to stand up for my own happiness. Hell, I *still* have that problem; very, very, very much so...
But -- YES. I do see what you're saying, and I've thought of that often; as a matter of fact, it's that very mentality which kept me on that path I just described -- I would comfort myself by saying that this made me a better person somehow, because: If everyone was more willing to please others than their own selves, the world would be a MUCH better place to live in, yes?
Somehow... it really comforts me a lot that you just said all of that; I feel that I'm not the only one who's thought those things, after all -- even if I did take it to an unhealthy degree...
xx