As Jessie said, we both learned from our parents mostly through operant conditioning and the social learning theory. Our father was never the type to really sit down and verbally teach us lessons; he was mostly out, doing his own thing. Throughout primary school, not only were my parents separated for a few years, but my father was also in and out of jail constantly, so I didn't really get to know my father until about the seventh grade. The consequences that my father brought onto himself was a teacher to us, his children, in and of itself.
Also, because of this, my mother was the primary disciplinarian -- and discipline was the primary way in which she taught us. There wasn't very much positive reinforcement; my mother had a lot of stress, being for a long while, a single parent on welfare raising three children. Out of fear and anxiety, she would be quick to punish and give negative reinforcement.
I think that my father's example, while not being a very good one, had the strongest impact. I'm not the sort of person to take what a person says as an irrefutable fact; I need something to back it up. Therefore, with my mother, she was often 'challenged' by my sisters and I; not necessarily directly, but we often questioned it, as we were very sheltered by her, and she was also very sheltered growing up. But with my father - it was hard to question the facts so clearly presented, and it definitely has had a massive impact on the three of us.
And since I made reference to what Jessie said, here it is:
For me it was a combination of operant conditioning and social learning. Operant conditioning through my mom, for sure-- she was the disciplinarian. Through my mother and my father, I learned through observation. My dad abused drugs and alcohol all throughout my childhood and I learned by watching him get arrested so many times that living life the way he did was bad. Also, seeing how my mom lived a more responsible life, worked hard and supported the family, I saw how living life the way she did was more practical and made more sense.
I realize that everybody is different and other ways of learning have a bigger affect on certain people, but for me, what stuck in my mind was seeing and observing things for myself. I guess because it was like seeing proof of both the consequences and blessings of what your actions can do. Seeing all the things that happened to my dad was traumatizing to me as a child, and it made me swear to myself that I would never be that way. Now that I am an adult, I try to live my life as honestly and as practical as I can, and even if it doesn't necessarily "pay off," at least I can reap the blessings of having a clean conscience, and knowing I tried my best to live a good life.
From my school's discussion forum on Learning:
Me: I will agree with Amelia about "the three p's" [Amelia wrote, 'people will be more motivated to do their best, if they aren't pushed or punished or pressured'], and doing your best to create a stress-free environment. My home seemed to always be stress-ridden. My mother has a chemical imbalance; whenever she would come home, my siblings and I would always be shaking, and run the other way. It was difficult to please her, and this lessened our desire to want to please her. So, positive reinforcement really goes a long way. Discipline is very important, too, of course - but it really can depress a child when they feel that they are never good enough, or that they are going to be punished based on the things a parent *fears*, more than the actual actions or words. We eventually felt either apathy ["why bother?"] and underlying bitterness ["I wonder if I'm really loved"], which to this day [I'm now age 23], is hard for me to overcome.
So, a positive environment is very important, yes. Going with what I was saying earlier, too, about discipline being equally important - the current parental trend today seems to be along the lines of being your child's buddy and playmate, over being the disciplinarian - in the long run, you are really hurting your child. What they need from you, as the parent, is a mother or a father - not a sibling. You are responsible for their learning and development; you are responsible for protecting them in their youth, and teaching them to be successful adults. If you want respect from them, then don't act like a child yourself - give them a reason to look up to you. Share your wisdom with them; train them; love them - even if it sometimes means tough love. Yes, spending quality time with your children and bonding with them by having fun is important, but keep things in perspective and be balanced about it. Do not try to be, first and foremost, their "buddy". I cannot stress this enough.
Professor: Good points. Jamie. This leads us to wonder if people are living lives in their "roles" which would allow for overall better lives for all and less confusion. Roles of the parent; be the parent. Child, be the child.
Me: Yes, exactly - you worded that much more simply than I did. Children need to know and accept that parents are in charge. Honesty, truthfulness, sincerity, and other such virtues are not picked up by your child as time goes on - it is something that needs to be taught by the parent as early as possible. While I'm not suggesting that the parents become dictators - of course not; children need to feel loved and wanted - but parents also need to be firm and clear.
Benjamin: Jamie, you and your sister are correct and it really bothers me to see parents who would much rather be their child's best friend or would rather be liked by their child, then be respected by them. This really is a disturbing trend to me and I don't really know what this bodes for the future, but I doubt it is good. I am sure this kind of makes me come off sounding real right wing super conservative, which I'm not, but in some ways I am a little old fashioned; and while I respect my child as a person with his own personality and views, he is also my responsibility it is my job to teach him what he needs to know, clothe him, feed him and keep him safe until he is capable of doing this for himself.
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